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Many of these ways have been tested by some of my closest friends (yeah they’re all nerds, I’m cool like that) Some of these ways, some of you might see as LAWLing more than looking, but we have a wide selection, so you Any kind of Con- I.

“Too bad you aren’t taller.” She paused, looking at me in disbelief. “Well I’m already way taller than you, short legs,” she said, putting her arms on her hips and trying very hard to loom over me. Why wouldn’t I, when I used a line from Thundercats? I think they are damn sexy, especially if they’re taller than me.

I walked over, leaned against the bar, and ordered a drink. “Hi, I’m Rami,” I said, using the world’s best opening line. “You’re very cute, Tina,” I said, gazing into her in the eyes. “You know, I’ve always said one’s legs are long enough, as long as they reach the ground.” This time I got a big laugh. And I have a confession to make: I love tall women.

In case you missed it, she’s not dating you: she’s dating someone else.

As a ground rule, if a woman is seeing someone else, you don’t owe her anything.

Any judgment she casts on you doesn’t matter, because you’re not her boyfriend. Sure, things may not be going well with her boyfriend, but what are you supposed to do? This means you’re interested in self-improvement, which is a big deal in this modern world of watching TV and doing nothing after work. The only thing is, you’re probably falling into the nice guy trap, where you cringe when a woman gives you the stinkeye or says something mean to you, The problem with this type of girl is that she’s not an overtly bad person. No secret kisses, or behind the back love affairs going on. She wants the affection Winfred is offering, without giving him any commitment. This is a perfect situation of someone trying to have her cake and eat it too. He can’t hold her, kiss her, have sex with her, or get emotional support from her. You asked me what you should do, and I will give you an answer.

The female contestants would always deliver their quips with a saucy giggle and a Timotei-style flick of the head, while the men would deliver theirs in a spirit of such oily slickness that Greenpeace would eventually have to be called in. In 'weather' or not you’re going to choose me, of course. I'll take you to Cloud 9.” At this point the audience would woop and ahhhh so loudly that time would cave in on itself, and Cilla would link hands and dance on stage with a chorus-line of dinosaurs and Mongol warriors.

That memory, that association, is never complete without Cilla Black – the nation's favourite surrogate aunty, always resplendent in a series of shoulder-padded blazers, smiling down on my childhood like a ghostly Yoda at the end of Return of the Jedi.

As my mother's hair-dryer voomed into life in the kitchen, I was to be found in the living room watching Cilla on Blind Date, contorting myself on the couch (emphatically not a euphemism), often upside down, a combination of ever-stretching limbs and rising hormones making it impossible for me to sit properly and at peace for any significant length of time.

She’s got a boyfriend and he sucks, and she likes me a lot. Like an idiot, I might have just proved her right, because I got quite drunk at a party we were both at, and hooked up with another girl at that party.

She then got mad at me for hooking up with someone else, even though we’re not dating. I turned it into a blog post, because I know a lot of geeks end up in a similar situation.